When you love yourself & want to live
Celebrating the last year of the best decade of my life (so far)
Happy birthday to me!
I’m 39 today.
Here’s 39 things on my mind:
I love myself and want to live. (Should I change the title of this substack…?)
“Hating myself and wanting to die” is still a visitor from time to time. Like that chaotic friend who blows through town. It doesn’t feel like a core part of my identity - more like an intense experience that sometimes takes over my body. I tend to “split” on myself the most when my fear of abandonment is triggered.
Splitting is when suddenly everything is black and white, there’s no nuance, and someone or something is ALL GOOD or ALL BAD. When you split on yourself, every good thing you’ve thought about yourself is thrown out the window and you’re the stupidest, biggest piece of shit on the planet. Splitting can also mean that you’re totally right, everyone else is wrong, and OTHER people are the stupidest!!! (this is different from bipolar mania)
I strongly suspect that I’m autistic.
Love always finds me again. Every single time I’ve thought “I’m never going to find this again”, I find *it* again. Again and again and again. Love is a renewable resource.
I’m proud of myself for learning how to run my own business. My ADHD side thought I could NEVER figure out the admin.
It’s taken a fuck ton of mindset work, meditation, and rewiring my neural pathways to keep showing up as myself online as I truly am.
The worst part of having a history of CTPSD s*xual abuse AND getting pregnant was losing control of my bodily autonomy. Everything about the pregnancy experience is about surrendering control. This brought me kicking and screaming into a new chapter of healing.
You can trust your future baby. You are a team. My child has wisdom too - and parenting is about a relationship, not a one-directional flow of energy. She wants me to be whole and healthy just as much as she wants me to be present and nurturing.
I first heard my baby speak to me at the end of a yoga class during shavasana, when she said, “Hurry up, mommy! I want to be born!”
The second time was during my first trimester. I was crying in the backyard and I “saw” her do a cartwheel and say, “Don’t worry mommy! You’ve got this!”
I feel more confidence in my creative voice now than I ever have before.
Your body always knows the truth. Your body. always. knows.
If you ignore yourself, your body will scream the truth. LISTEN.
My Dad trusted money until his last breath, and money betrayed him. His wounded child - the one he’d ignored for decades - fully emerged during his last days. He wanted to be held by his mother.
The other day, my husband and I both realized in December, we will have been together for 6 years. This is the longest relationship both of us have ever been in.
I ate a fried chicken biscuit sandwich for breakfast this morning.
The owner at my local coffee shop gave me a free latte. I try to come here at least once a week because this part of town NEEDS an independent coffee shop. I can walk here from my house, which is unheard of in the American, car dependent suburbs.
I’m lucky to live where I live. Sometimes it feels more like a simulation than reality.
Before moving to our neighborhood and buying our house, I was terrified. This was the biggest financial decision and personal commitment of my life - tethering me to a place, to a person, to paying for something. It scared me more than getting married. We made a lot of mistakes.
Always have a backup fund for when you move into a new home for unexpected bullshit you have to deal with. Buy something under your means. Don’t stretch yourself to the limit on what you can pay for. A mortgage that’s gonna cause a lot of financial stress with very little wiggle room is not worth it.
I was arrested for shoplifting when I was 32. This was the first and only arrest of my entire life. The cops were really nice to me and one of them said, “This will just be a funny story you tell your grandkids one day.”
We act out when something is wrong.
After my arrest, I set much firmer boundaries at work and started saying no to clients who weren’t a good match for my skill set.
I could happily see myself doing the work I am doing now into my 70’s, and maybe even my 80’s. I have no interest in stopping or quitting.
Why did I want to type 39 things? I should have just done 3 + 9 things = 12 things for my birthday.
Focusmate offers free virtual body doubling sessions. I love that website. It’s literally the reason why my office is clean. Not an ad. Maybe they’d sponsor me? lol.
I’m grateful for my relationship to social media. Mostly, it’s been positive. I’m grateful to Simone Grace Seoul. She taught me to constantly be myself online so that 1) it’s sustainable and 2) I never unwittingly turn myself into a pedestalized guru. I wonder how many lost and lonely souls have accidentally stumbled into guru-ship.
Because also, I can’t imagine ever wanting to be a cult leader/guru. Sounds like so much fucking work.
My friends and I are meeting in November to talk about potentially buying a piece of property together in a rural-ish part of the PNW.
I want to learn how to grow tomatoes and other vegetables. WHEN WILL I LEARN. Maybe when my daughter is 3, I’ll be motivated.
I care more about the quality of food I put in my daughter’s mouth than the quality of food I put in my own. I spend money more easily on her than I ever have on myself.
It’s idiotic that it’s a privilege to be able to raise a child in a place where I don’t have to worry about flooding/tornadoes/gen0cide. To have the “normal” problems - exhaustion, family sickness, chores, eczema breakouts. Why is it a fucking privilege in 2024 for a parent to raise their kid in peace? THIS SHOULD BE THE NORM.
It makes me wonder if suffering is the point of human existence. As if on a cosmic level, we are meant to come here to somehow expand the universe through suffering & our attempts to ease the suffering of others. Because on a rational level, our planet has the resources for all of us to live pretty comfortably. The amount of suffering humanity creates for itself and the planet is mindblowing.
Two weeks ago, I had a dream about an ex-boyfriend. I looked him up online and went down a stalking rabbithole. And holy shit - again - my body always knew. It always knew. I’m so glad we broke up.
I’m gonna start taking guitar lessons next week. My friend and I are splitting the cost of lessons.
You can afford a lot more if you split the cost of stuff with your friends.
Picking up free gifts from Corporate America for my bday is one of life’s simple pleasures. Sephora, Ulta, & Jamba Juice are my friends, I guess? Thank you for celebrating me, corporations 😬🥳
I’ve had 3 threesomes in my thirties. They were magical. Highly recommend.
Love,
Juniper