The allure of pseudo-intimacy {Part1}

On fights I've had with my husband & oversharing

Fights we’ve had as a married couple (a.k.a. a glimpse into an ADHD/BPD woman and an AuDHD man working out their attachment trauma):

Fight #1:

Him: “And what do YOU know about relationships?! Before you met me, your longest relationship was only 11 months! I’m SO TIRED of always being the one who has to change! What about you?! There must be something wrong with YOU!”*

Me: “Ha! Wow, what about you?! And your TWO PREVIOUS DIVORCES?! I’M YOUR THIRD WIFE!!! OH OK, you’re so healthy because you got MARRIED a bunch of times?!”

*(I would argue 11 months is quite long, and longevity is not an indicator of a relationship’s health or “success”, but I digress).

Fight #2:

Him: “You’re so insanely selfish! You want our relationship to look like a Hallmark movie. And the minute things are hard, the minute things aren’t easy, you just want to quit!”

Me: “YEAH! MAYBE I AM SELFISH. SO WHAT! And yeah, I probably DO have commitment issues! But at least I don’t stay in toxic situations for years. You keep returning to the same poison over and over, and then wonder why you feel so bad!”

Fight #3: 

Me: I DON’T WANT TO BE AROUND YOU ANYMORE. Do you know how hard it was for me to gather the courage to tell you this?! And this is exactly why I was scared to tell you! Because somehow, when I tell you how YOU’VE hurt ME, you manage to make it ALL ABOUT YOU. I can’t sleep here tonight. I need space.

Him: You’re the one who always makes it about YOU! I can’t show you anything I feel! 

Me: Whatever, I need to leave.

Him: What! Where are you gonna go?!

Me: I don’t know, I can probably find a room on Airbnb.

Him: We don’t have that money to spend right now!

Me: FINE! THEN I’LL GO STAY AT HANNAH AND JESSICA’S PLACE.

*starts walking towards the bedroom to pack*

Him: *Runs ahead of me to the bedroom* *Grabs his duffel bag and starts throwing random things inside* WELL I’M GONNA GO STAY SOMEWHERE ELSE TOO! YOU’RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO’S GOING TO LEAVE.

Me: *holding my empty duffel bag* Oh REALLY. Where are you gonna go?!

Him: I CAN GET A ROOM SOMEWHERE TOO.

Me: I THOUGHT WE DON’T HAVE THAT KIND OF MONEY.

Fight #4:

Him: “I feel like you want me to be this emotional support dog. Like no matter what, I always have to be happy! And if I’m anything else, you get upset.”

Me: “I feel like YOU want ME to be an emotional support dog too! Like you can just be moody and ignore me for as long as you want, but as soon as you want my attention, you expect me to just be like

*puts up paws and pants in imitation of happy dog* Oh yes master, I’m here!”

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Marriage is pretty cool, man. Pretty cool. 

For decades, I fantasized of meeting the perfect-for-me life partner one day. I heard someone describe “intimacy” as “into-me-see”. Intimacy was an invitation to truly see and be seen by another, to marvel in our shared nakedness. I was delighted by the poetry of hypothetical intimacy.