Part 2: When we’ve experienced violent trauma, healing can look violent too
How to deal with violent responses to triggers
Violence in the healing process can look like: vomiting, balls to the walls rage, finding addictions to numb self-hatred, “F*CK ME & F*CK YOU TOO!”, getting horny for toxic relationships, hanging up on someone, hitting ourselves, pulling ourselves back from the ledge of self-harm, sharing bloody fantasies about death, writing ruthless/cutting words to those who have hurt us, sabotaging real love when we finally find it, unshakeable fatigue, wild screaming, breaking things, uncontrollable shaking, setting stuff on fire, hours spent defrosting in bed to get out of a freeze response, hurtful overly rigid boundaries, humiliating oversharing, & cutting off everyone we know.
When I was 21, I wrote the following to my therapist in an email:
“i fantasize about cutting out my insides and losing all ability to feel and giving into a paradise of numbness. there is so much rage inside of me sometimes, but i don't understand where it comes from and why it's even there. i want to cry and scream and stab something...”
My family was terrified of these frequent violent desires (which is why they found me a therapist. Which pissed me off at the time, but in retrospect, was a very good idea.)
I also knew I couldn’t share most of these thoughts to friends, coworkers, or GOD FORBID, people I was attracted to. Who would want this debbie downer hanging around?
But keeping the violence to myself, or in limited emails to my therapist, didn’t exorcise it from my being.
Which is why, to an extent, I resonated - probably too deeply - with my seventeen year old client (see Part 1). I didn’t judge her for her rage. I knew she was simply acting OUT what I had always acted IN.
So after she yelled at me and drawn blood on my car, what did I do?
Here’s what actually helped:
1) Reminding myself that her terrified toddler self was acting out in a teenage body. It wasn’t personal & wasn’t logical, but it made perfect sense to her.
2) Validating her emotions & empathizing with the intensity of her emotional experience
3) Offering connection with an authority figure who wasn’t afraid of her escalation
4) Maintaining simple calm + firm boundaries
5) Offering alternative solutions.
6) Reminding her of our shared desired outcome.
7)Repeating steps 1 through 6 over and over and over and over until they are no longer necessary.
I repeated steps 1 through 6 over and over for a year and a half until it finally *clicked* and her behavior changed drastically. At the beginning of working together, I’d sometimes have to do steps 1 through 6 nearly 20 times in just one day.
Step 2. Validating emotions & offering empathy looked like:
“I can’t imagine how stressful this is for you. I would probably be anxious AF if I was in your position too.”
“You’re right. I’m probably not the best therapist. I’m new at this, I’m still learning, and I make a lot of mistakes. I’m trying my best, but I can see how it’s not helping you.”
“It makes sense that you’re angry.”
Step 3. Offering connection with an authority figure who wasn’t afraid of her escalation looked like:
“I’m not trying to hurt you. I really didn’t want to see you get in more trouble with the judge by leaving the courtroom.”
“I can understand if you wouldn’t want to work with me anymore. But I believe you can get better and would like to keep working together if you think it could work.”
*Body language is key here*: Soft, direct eye contact. Calm voice. Nonthreatening posture.
Step 4. Maintaining simple, calm + firm boundaries looked like:
“There is no other option than appearing in front of the judge. We will have to go back today or another day.”
(On another day, after she had fully calmed down I set the following boundary. I don’t recommend setting too many boundaries at once when someone is escalated):
“I get that we were in a new, scary situation. But if you do anything to my car again, I won’t be able to take you anywhere in my car during our sessions for awhile. We’ll just have to do sessions at your house.”
Step 5. Offering alternative solutions looked like:
“Maybe we can ask the probation officer if we can wait in the lobby for your turn so you can pace and don’t have to keep seeing other kids getting called up before you.”
“Maybe you and your mom can wait outside the courtroom and I’ll text you both when it’s your turn.”
“Maybe next time we can run around the block and scream first so you can get some of this nervous energy out.”
“It’s ok to not like how I’ve been doing therapy with you. Would you want to try to have a check in at the end of each session so we can make sure you feel like you’re getting your needs met?”
Step 6. Reminding her of shared desired outcomes looked like:
“That way, we can get this out of the way today so you don’t have to come back again another day and do this all over again.”
“Then you can still keep your appointment and not have it reflect badly on your record.”
“Then you can be more calm and less anxious when you have to talk to the judge. You could probably make a better impression that way.”
“I know we both want to feel respected in this relationship. A check in could help you feel sure that you’re going to have time to say what you need to say to me. And I would feel more respected if you told me what you didn’t like without yelling at me.”
If this sounds like a lot of work, it IS a lot of work.
But the beautiful thing is, it worked. Gradually, slowly, she changed. Until one day, she stopped all violent escalations. She “grew out” of them.
Just like a toddler one day, just stops resorting to temper tantrums. After years of loving, firm, consistent, patient parenting.
But the important thing I want to underline here is that change is possible.
Change is possible.
Change is possible.
It’s easy to condemn, & shame her violence. To think this is NOT the behavior of a “victim”.
And trust me, I am NOT SAYING her behavior was “ok” and that I was fine with getting berated and blood on my car. I’m not saying it would be “ok” to act this way in all her relationships. Obviously, she wouldn’t live a satisfying life if she always behaved this way under stress.
But judging her for the ways she’d learned to survive wouldn’t heal her. Some victims become withdrawn, meek, and people pleasing. Other victims become raging, spitting tornadoes. Some turn to flight, others to fight. It’s not my job to judge how they’ve learned to respond to trauma. It’s my job to show victims they’re safe to respond to triggers in new, less destructive ways. And to hold them accountable because I believe in them.
No matter how freaked out I felt (and trust me, I felt freaked out), she needed me to witness her violence and respond with boundaries AND hope.
Showing me the blood on her hand, the tears in her eyes, & the insults on her tongue were necessary parts of her healing process. Watching my response was teaching her violently angry child self, in real time, how to self-regulate.
Because sometimes, when we’ve experienced violent trauma, healing can look violent too.