Introducing "WANTING": a *rebrand* of myself/this space
chaotic life updates + a sweet farewell to "when you hate yourself & want to die"
First, a couple life updates:
Yes, I disappeared for a couple months again, for a few reasons:
The time between 12 - 17 months have been some of the most challenging parenting months for us. I’d say I “enjoyed” 30% of it and dreaded/slogged through 70% of these past months, parenting-wise. I’ll write more on this in the future, but I don’t think my brain/body were prepared for a very intense toddler. Is anyone’s?! I told my friend the other day, “I’m not used to living with someone who’s mad at me all the time.” lol. I’M REALLY NOT THO. But I’m getting used to it, learning some skills, and soon I’ll be one of those mom’s that’s like, “whatever dude, feel your feelings, but no is no and I’ll just be over here, (metaphorically) smoking a ciggy, ready to move on when you are”.
We (as in my little family) got the WORST diarrhea version of COVID in May. I’m sorry, but here’s some TMI: on an early spring Friday night, I drove to a downtown local vintage pop-up market with my friends. I brought Rowan (my baby) along, thinking it’d be a jolly good time! When we got out of the car, my friend, Hannah was holding Rowan when suddenly she was like, “Why is my arm feeling warm and wet?” and I was like, “Is that poo?!” and my friends were like “HELLO WHAT ELSE WOULD IT BE” and ta daaaaaa my daughter had diahrrea-ed all over my friend. We snuck into a coffee shop bathroom to change her, and I had to throw away her bottoms because, LIKE THE GOOD MOM I AM, I had brought nothing to hold soiled clothes and I also hadn’t. brought a change of clothes. So she attended the vintage market in nothing but a shirt and diaper, because THAT’S HOW CLASSY BABIES DRESS, OK?
And I was thinking (stupidly optimistically) “ok, that shouldn’t happen again, cuz like, she doesn’t diarrhea more than once a day normally” - but then she kept having explosive diarrhea for 4 days/nights. So. much. laundry. so. much. middle. of. the. night. run. to. the. shower. screaming. baby. covered. in. poop. sad. tired. crying.
Anyway, then my husband got the shits and then I got the shits and we all got it at different times but also overlapping, like a sick VENN DIAGRAM FROM HELL. I have never had #3 this intensely or this painfully, like it lasted 5 days and by the end I HAD LEGIT LOWER BACK PAIN FROM ALL THE ACTIVITY ON THE TOILET and had to take anti-inflammatory meds to help me sleep.
After #3 left us, it morphed into an upper respiratory hacking cough/painful sore throat/phlegm/shortness of breath situation.
And the FUCKING FATIGUE, GOOD GOD.
ALL THIS BEING SAID: Being pregnant/having a young child is the closest I have ever been to being (physically) disabled, and it’s given me a lot to think about in terms of internalized ableism, disability, and how hostile capitalism is to ANY BODY that is not 1) conforming to societally determined aesthetics and 2) wholly “healthy” + machine-like in productivity.
OK!!! AWAY FROM MY GLAMOROUS, EXCITING LIFE AND ON TO THE REBRAND.
So, originally, I started this Substack, “When You Hate Yourself & Want to Die” because - surprise, surprise, in case you haven’t noticed, I lived most of my 39 years under the weight of a fuck-ton of shame. Which led to suicidality and fantasizing about death very very often.
I even wrote an illustrated book with my good friend April called, “When You Hate Yourself & Want to Die” that I felt too insecure to ever self-publish (but that is waiting in the archives of my computer, patiently waiting to be self-published.
My decade’s-long struggles with shame, depression and suicidal ideation will always live with me and they’ve profoundly shaped the way I see myself and understand the world.
But that’s not who I am anymore.
I want to live. I mostly really really really like who I’ve become and the life I’ve built. I am sometimes afraid of death because life is so technicolor, so heartbreakingly gorgeous and I don’t know if I’ll ever see the sunlight playing with the leaves or the folds of skin on the back of his neck on the “other side” (though I’m working through my fear of death). And in many, many ways, due to a plethora of epiphanies (i.e. understanding grief + neurodivergence + the creative process) and intentional life changes (i.e. moving the Pacific Northwest & changing my career), I have become (somewhat) shameless (I am Chinese and former evangelical Christian, AFTER ALL. Shame is in my DNA?).
So! ON TO THE REBRAND:
This Substack is still gonna touch on and be about a LOT of things related to trauma, mental health, neurodivergence, etc. But the vibe of it will be different, and include more of what feels fresh and current for me because that’s where I feel the most inspired to share from.
SOOOOOOOO INTRODUCING my new Substack….*drum roll*
Wanting: all about our relationship to our bodies, desire, magic, and abundance.
Super excited to get going on all the ideas I have - and WANTING, YEARNING, PRAYING, HOPING - for the time to execute them. As always, thanks for being here, and hoping NONE of y’all get the #3 version of COVID.
I am OBSESSED with the rebrand. What an absolutely perfect description of being on the other side of wanting to die--to simply want literally ANYTHING ELSE. Excited to read more!