I thought I'd lost the ability to love with abandon.

The first love i've experienced where I’m determined to draw boundaries around my fear.

Good god, I'm grateful for my daughter. If there is something that makes me feel like there's goodness in the universe, it's Rowan. I only slept like 5 hours last night which would’ve ruined my entire day in the past. But when I woke up to Rowan’s chatter, I wanted to be conscious. Alive. Love is energizing AF.

This is odd for me, someone who hated mornings because of morning depression & anxiety. Years of family stress, abuse, and forcing my neurodivergent brain into neurotypical environments made mornings heavy & paralyzing. I learned a myriad of strategies to shake off the sticky fog so I could (kind of) seize the day, but depression & anxiety were unquestionably still my daily bedfellows, tangled in my limbs from the second I opened my eyes.

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Rowan’s presence makes morning anxiety and depression obsolete. She lies down next to me - in her little t shirt onesie, with her little baby body, her little baby hands and feet, her little baby voice, her little baby smell, her little baby face. I snuggle her impossibly soft poreless skin. She turns to me, smiles a full body smile and shouts, "BABABABABABABABABA!!!" And holy shit, even thinking of it right now, there is a deep, deep, deep sense of fullness. I enjoy mornings with my daughter. I really thought I'd have to live with a certain sense of emptiness forever. I really didn't believe a human being could fill these cracks in my soul.

I’m grateful for IVF, for the brief time we had Google insurance that covered most of the costs. I'm grateful for every single fucking needle jabbed into my body to override my infertility. I'm grateful for my beautiful, strong body and mind for going through everything it did to give birth to her life, even when i gained seventeen pounds in water weight, my ovaries swelled into painful grapefruits, and i wailed and wailed and wailed from hormonal havoc. Even when I laid with my arms splayed out, in the midst of a panic attack, as the doctors stretched my abs apart and yanked her from my body after 67 hours of trying to push her out.

I love her life. i love the relationship I have with her. i love watching her discover the magic of her fingers and feet. because fingers and feet are fucking magical. i love feeling her grab my face in wonder, even when she rips at my skin with her nails. I love watching her experiencing first times: sensation of sand in her toes, avocado on her tongue, kisses from teddy bears.

I LOVE BEING A MOM AND I DON’T CARE WHO KNOWS IT. Every day i have with my daughter is a miraculous gift. i don't care if that sounds cheesy or mommy bloggy because i will shout it from the rooftops - EVERY DAY WITH MY DAUGHTER IS A MIRACULOUS GIFT. I HAVE THE BEST BABY IN THE WORLD. R U SERIOUS RIGHT NOW?! R U KIDDING ME?! THIS LOVE IS FOR ME?!?!!? THIS LOVE IS FOR ME?!?!?!?!! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.

I LOVE SEEING HER IN HER LITTLE WALKER. i love her LITTLE CHUCKLES. i love seeing her widdo arm in her widdo sleep sack with her widdo thigh folds and wrist folds and her baby soft skin. I LOVE HOLDING HER AGAINST MY CHEST AND ROCKING. i love when she turns around and sees me and her face breaks into a smile. i love how dumb baby songs make her stop crying. i love when she plays with my hands. i love when she squeezes my arm and my shoulders and she runs her hand up and down my ribcage. i love this wildly new and sweet, so so rainbow sweet intimacy between mama and baby. i love looking at her and emanating sparkles and glitter and worth and love into her psyche, like a carebear. I am a mamacarebear. i love my little baby bear. she's my puppy, my cutie, my sweetie. i look forward to seeing her. i don't feel like i'm missing out anymore. i have limitations but i'm not missing out. My leash is short, but I treasure the space I’m occupying.

HAVE I REPEATED SOME THINGS?!?!! It's because I can stare at her repeatedly, my ADHD ass is endlessly interested, hyperfixated on the same fucking noises and the same fucking facial expressions day in and day out. I'm spellbound. Mesmerized. Satisfied. Tickled pink. I AM HAPPY HAPPY HAPPY.

This experience is one of…

…No - it's actually THE best thing i've ever done with my life force energy. I want to cry, just thinking about it. I thought I'd lost the ability to cry from simply feeling joy. From feeling touched. I thought I'd lost the ability to feel music again. I thought I'd lost the ability to love with abandon. I didn't get pregnant with the intention that my daughter would heal my wounds and bring dead parts of me back to life. And it's not her "job" to heal her mother. But her sheer being - basking in this spirit turned flesh - is innately healing.

FUCK DUDE. Wowwowoowwowowoowowowowowowowowoowow at the happiness bursting through my body and the joy rushing through my veins.

One day, I think, she'll probably break my heart, and I have to let her. And she won't need me or want to be around me the way she does right now. The way I show and receive love from her will have to change. I'll have to let go. But something in my heart whispers, "You don't need to protect yourself from the love you feel by projecting the future. You can just be here, now." Flashes of something bad happening pop into my head, and I decide to delete them right away. i can't let my anxiety get in the way of this moment. Maybe this is the first love i've experienced where I’m determined to draw boundaries around my fear. The first love where I am absolutely certain that vulnerability worth the risk.

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i don't care that i'm losing sleep. i don't care that i'm getting gray hairs and i now have stubborn hormonally induced melasma that kinda makes me look like i have a black eye. (Ok, let's be real, I care, I bought a red light LED mask lol). But it's also - meh, whatever. it doesn't bother me the way it would have before. And believe me, everything used to bother me a LOT.

I don't care that my body has shifted geographically and flesh is in odd places that confuse and frustrate me cuz my stupid clothes don't fit anymore and i don't want to have to buy new clothes. i don't care that my career went backward because of my pregnancy. i don't care that i'm gonna have to work for someone else again because i need a more stable source of income to raise her and running my own business is untenable for the next few years. i don't care that i have less time. i don't care that i, a woman, had to give up so much of my time, resources, and energy to create this life while my husband - and all men - will never truly understand what it's like to go through the psychedelic suffering, death, and rebirth of bringing new life into this world. i don't care i don't care i don't care.

Because she's here, and I never let myself dream a dream as beautiful as her. When it comes to love, I’ve been holding my breath for my entire life, but now I’m exhaling. I’m breathing her in. I don’t want to miss what’s right in front of my face. I’m disciplining myself to be in the moment. It’s a privilege to be in relationship with her, witness her evolution, raise her, nurture her, play with her, simply love her while we're both still here. It's scary, how fragile love makes you. But love, real love, is always stronger than fear.